I've always thought of myself as a creative person and I've always wanted to earn a living through this creativity. It took me a long time to get a job after university (I did a lot of unpaid work experience and blew all my savings) and when I did finally land what I thought was a dream entry-level job in documentary production, it wasn't what I wanted. I was being channeled into a career as a production manager: someone who makes it possibly for other people to be creative. There was another recent graduate in the company, who was seemingly on the fast track to becoming one of those creatives. I couldn't understand why it wasn't me. I felt like I couldn't break out of the mold they had put me in. I wanted to make art; not sort out the logistics so that someone else could realise their vision. I decided that all I really wanted to do was write novels, and so I applied for a masters course in Creative Writing. When I was accepted, it felt amazing - like someone had validated my dream. I was a writer.
But sometimes I wonder... Should I be doing something else? Is loving books and stories enough? Maybe I'm not a writer; maybe I've been deluding myself. There must be a whole lot of failed novelists out there. When do you decide to quit? Now that my time is so precious, I'm questioning myself more and more. Once all three of my children are at school, I will probably need some kind of job. What will I do? I might never get to the point where writing earns me an income. But will there be time to work, be a mum and write? Will there be enough of me to go around? Is pursuing my writing an indulgence? Or futile? Do I have anything to say? Am I even any good? I just don't know.
Sometimes I wish that there was something else I wanted as much. I've spent many hours looking at courses and alternative careers. I wish I could find something that felt right. When a mum at school recently revealed that she is planning to study to be a nurse, I felt a pang of jealousy. It's not because I have any desire to be a nurse, but because she has found what she wants to do and is going to make her dream come true. She will be a nurse. It will be her job and someone will pay her to do it. I can write and I can say that I'm a writer, but there is no guarantee that anyone will pay me to do it. Does this mean it is merely a hobby? Can you really be a writer if no one wants to publish or read your words?